Satire: Harvard announces record-low acceptance rate for Class of ’22

Seniors pace along the hallways with a thin veil of glee on their face, hiding their morbid fear of viewing their college application decisions. A local senior who opted to remain anonymous to avoid being condemned to Harvard’s brand-new Admissions Opt-Out Village, reported, “I’m afraid. I’m very afraid.”

This year, Director of Harvard University’s Office of Admission William R. Fitzsimmons has announced an “all-time low” acceptance rate. Experienced educational consultant John Shopkins remarked that it was truly a single-digit acceptance rate as it “did not even contain any decimal places.” The acceptance rate has also received critical acclaim from the National Endowment for Abstract Art (NEAA), winning the first prize. According to NEAA director, “The board was highly pleased with the design and font type that Harvard University chose to announce their admission rate in.

You guessed it: according to an official press release from Harvard University on Friday, zero students have been accepted out of “the most competitive applicant pool the University had seen yet, with over 120,000 students applying for a number of freshman spots. However, the Dean of Admissions expects a 1% acceptance rate for transfer students. Rumors from reliable sources inside the White House indicate that Barron Trump has already started his first year at Trump University, and will be transferring his credits to the Square in September.

A senior on the Yard remarks, “I’m graduating from Harvard.”

Photo The Gates of Harvard courtesy of Daderot via Wikipedia